Mixed Feelings After the Show

Yesterday I competed in the local NGA show. I hadn’t competed in NGA for a couple of years. I figured I’d see how it had changed and give myself some more time on stage before the Emerald Cup next week.

All in all it went really well. The Purcells do such an amazing job at organizing their events. This one was no exception. Every last detail was taken care of.

It definitely was a much younger crowd than at the NPC. I was one of the few older ones – if not THE oldest. Now thinking about it, I think I was. I know my friend, Vicki, was 36, and Sarah was 33. The rest I’m guessing were in their 20s and early 30s.

I knew going in to it my butt was weak. That’s not new news. I need to work on my glutes, and that’s part of the reason I am working with a specialist now and going to sports therapy trying to re-engage my glutes and get my back straightened out. Other than that I felt pretty tight though. At least I didn’t have the upset stomach puffiness I was dealing with the night before. Got to love feeling bloated!

I didn’t place. This is the first show I’ve done where I didn’t bring home some kind of prize. I tried to prepare myself for defeat just like I do every time, but it was still a jolt to the heart. I left feeling disappointed, deflated, and defeated. I still do. As I sit here writing this, I feel a heaviness in my heart. What people don’t get about figure (and bodybuilding I’m sure) is that you train SO hard for so long, monitoring every exercise, every supplement, every drink of water, ever bite of food you put in your mouth. You work so hard for the end result. It doesn’t just come together overnight. Then to not bring anything home, it’s like you totally missed the target. At least that’s how I’m feeling right now.

You start questioning everything. Like, why? Why am I doing this? Why do I allow myself to be rated by other people? Why do I put myself in that position in the first place? Why do I want to be criticized? Why do I want to care so much about the food I eat? Why do I put in 2 hours a day 6 days a week? The last time I felt this way was October 2008 after the NPC show. Luckily after a couple of days the feelings subsided, and I was back on my feet ready to go – just like I am sure I will be again tomorrow. It just takes a day or two to process through, accept it, and move on.

I’ve looked at the pictures from last night though, and I know I need to change some things. It’s not just my glutes and my back. I need to add some healthy fat to my bones. I’m too lean. I need to find a happy medium where I am defined but softer. Right now you can see every line in my arms, every definition in my hamstrings. It’s ridiculous. I’m sitting here and I feel fine, but I look at the pictures and I wonder if that’s really me. I eat ALL the time. I eat 150-200 carbs a day. I eat 150-200 protein a day. Yeah, I keep my fats down, but I eat a ton of food. So, why am I so lean? The better question is how do I change things up safely so I can get the look I am wanting?

There is no one single way to do things. I know that things don’t work exactly the same for every person. For instance, my friend Vicki who competed last night. She is a bodybuilder. She has more muscle mass, but I know she doesn’t take in any more protein than I do. Her body just responds differently to the protein she does consume. A lot of people lean out way slower than I do on fewer calories. Here I am upping my calories and cutting my evening cardio only to hear from a friend that was at the show that I looked “leaner” this show than the last show a few weeks ago. What? It’s such a confusing equation, and it’ obvious I’m still trying to figure my own body out.

So, that’s my thought for the day. How. What’s it going to take? I’d really like to figure at least part of it out before next week – the Emerald.

This is one girl who won’t give up. I’ve invested too much time and energy. I won’t give up on me!

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4 Responses to Mixed Feelings After the Show

  1. Michelle August 1, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

    Jen, you are such an inspiration! I really appreciate your openness and raw honesty. I’m cheering you on.

  2. Daniele August 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your story! A few weeks ago I competed for the 1st time post 3 kids (twins 18months & son 5)! I worked harder this time, knowing my body & hormones had changed from before kids. My trainer suggested I go big, so I did a national qualifer, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people competing & my nerves got the best of me. I rushed through my poses, needless to say I didn’t place. I’ve been so mad and upset with myself every since, I put so much work, time & energy into getting ready and in 10 short seconds it was gone!! After looking at the line-up there were over 35 gals in my class & I placed 10th, Ive decided to give myself some slack, suck it up and dig my heals in more the next time!

    You inspire me everyday, thanks for doing what you do!

  3. Jen August 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    Thank you so much. 🙂 xo

  4. Jen August 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    I feel truly blessed. I really do. Being surrounded by gals like you helps make all the difference. 😉

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